I was driving down the road the other day and out of nowhere, from the corner of my eye, I saw something fall from the ceiling of my car to the passenger side floorboard. As I parked at my destination, I leaned over to see what it was. What I found was a small square card that had been given out at a church we visited a couple weeks before. It was an invitation to their upcoming Christmas services. You’re probably thinking, WOW Niccole, so what…something fell in your car as you were driving. What’s the big deal? And your lack of enthusiasm would normally be warranted, except that this card fell literally out of nowhere (and unprovoked), while I was in the middle of my daily conversation with God and asking Him for the latest update on what He has going on with my life. I was also seeking his guidance in finding ways to continue the momentum of moving forward, as well as for ways to forgive those that probably don’t deserve forgiving. I was also pleading with him for help with the ability to stop loving and thinking of my ex-boyfriend/best friend. As well as help with letting go of the hurt, anger, and sense of betrayal that I’ve been feeling in regard to so many..
Let me back up a couple weeks and fill you in. Earlier this month I put in my notice at work because an opportunity presented itself out of the blue, and it felt like it was something God was pulling me towards. Even one of my closers and HR managers told me to follow God on this when contemplating what to do about leaving. But deep down, I was scared to leave my current job. It took me well over a month to reach the decision to leave, and I even tried working it out to stay, but the terms of staying didn’t meet the terms of leaving. I had been there for over six years and had established relationships with co-workers and customers that I didn’t want to lose. My kids had grown up in that office and even looked up to my bosses. It was home to me. It was family. Not to mention, I’ve never been good with change. I was so worried about this change and the unknown, that I even thought about rescinding my resignation a time or two that week. But before I could, God showed me that he had other plans for me. Two hours before the company Christmas party, my employer decided they didn’t want me to fulfill my four weeks’ notice and just wanted to part ways that day. They said that they didn’t feel it was “in their best interest” to keep me on staff if I was leaving to go to a competitor in the near future. They felt the potential for me to take existing customers with me when I left, was too high if I stayed on any longer. They even denied me my Christmas bonus that I worked my ass off all year for. That was the thanks I got for giving them my all for such a long time. Well, Bahumbug, Mr. Grinch!
If that wasn’t enough of a crazy start to the Christmas season, God showed me that it was time to let go of friendships and people that didn’t truly hold space for me in their lives the way I held it for them. It’s crazy how if you separate yourself and just sit back in silence, you will see who truly is in your circle and who was just there because it was self-serving. When you no longer reach out and make the efforts to keep them in your life, they slip away because you see that they were never fighting to be in your life to begin with. My circle is down to just a few friends at this point now, my phone isn’t ringing or dinging with texts anymore, and my social calendar is near empty. I am totally fine with all of that! In fact, it has been refreshingly nice. So, to recap…I left/lost my job and essentially parted ways with most of my lifelong friends and newish friends, all in a matter of weeks. AND, all this on top of still healing from my spine surgery less than a month prior, and still coping with the official break up with my ex last month and all he put me through. I really wish this was one of those times where all you can do is laugh at the situation, but it isn’t. The holiday season has NEVER been a time of year that I have enjoyed. In fact, it is the hardest time of year for me with my depression and anxiety. So, this year really tops the charts for sucking for sure!
So yes, there are a lot of emotions going on inside me right now and good reasons for needing to talk to God in depth lately. On that day, I was also begging God (as I often do) for patience. Patience to see his plan through and to just trust in Him and whatever his plan is, and to help me keep my faith while seeing it play out. That was the emotional moment/state I was in when that little square card fell to my car floor. So, was this card falling from nowhere, God’s way of telling me to finally go back to church and come closer to him? I am inclined to believe so. About an hour later, I was still out running Christmas errands and still running all these thoughts and asks through my mind, and that is when Guns N’ Roses came on the radio. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, GNR was something my ex and I enjoyed, and we had a few staple songs that we bonded over in the beginning of our relationship. It had been a hot minute since I randomly heard any of these songs on the radio. It was as if our “breakup” ended the radio stations’ typical playlists suddenly. But to my surprise that day, it wasn’t just one song to be heard. Nope, that radio station did back-to-back GNR songs. Absolute dagger to the heart! I couldn’t bring myself to change the station though. So, as I sat there in the store parking lot listening and being completely in my feelings, I was questioning God if this too was now a sign? Afterall, the first song that came on was Knockn’ On Heaven’s Door, AND I was just begging Him for “Patience”. So, was he telling me to just relax and trust Him? Was playing GNR His way of telling me that things with my ex were going to work out in the end and that all the pain was going to be worth it? Or was all this wishful thinking? As I sat in my car asking myself and God these things, I found myself romanticizing all my hurt, in true Niccole fashion. In my mind I was already sweeping all the deceit under the rug and “forgiving”. Luckily, the song changed, and my emotions started going in another direction. The next song was Landslide by Fleetwood Mac. As it started to play, I became somber. I’ve heard this song hundreds of times in my life, but this time, hearing the lyrics: “Can I handle the seasons of my life?…Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’, ‘Cause I’ve built my life around you”, just hit me differently. I found myself asking, can I handle the seasons of my life? Am I going to get through all these changes? And, I had in fact built my life around my ex and the idea of us having a life together. I also built my life around my job and the future I once thought I had there. I even built my life around my friends. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for those in my life. I’d drop anything for anyone, and they all knew it.
I believe God also made these changes in my life because I had fallen so far away from Him. Sure, I pray often, and I have a relationship with God, but it hasn’t been what it once was. In fact, as I write this, I keep thinking of Jelly Roll’s song, Need A Favor, which starts off with…“I only talk to God when I need a favor, and I only pray when I ain’t got a prayer…”. That’s been me for some time now. I’ve lost so much of my faith and trust in God over the last few years due to heartache and circumstance, that I just pulled away. I even stopped going to church. I think that partly had to do with this last relationship, in addition to some family fallout as well that just made me not want to be at my church anymore. I blamed God every time something went wrong in the relationship, or lack thereof one at times. I blamed Him for ever bringing this guy into my life if he wasn’t going to stay and be my forever. But on another note, I also pulled away and created a disconnect because this guy was a Jew and not a Christian. Let me elaborate on that before anyone forms an opinion off of one statement alone. He often made jokes concerning Jesus, which made me uncomfortable. I did tell him to stop early on in our relationship and he did, but the impression had been made. My ex-husband was also Jewish, so I have thorough knowledge of Judaism and their beliefs and culture. The difference between these two guys though was that my ex-husband was all about raising my kids and the kids we had together, with both religions in the home. He even went to church with me on Sundays and I went to temple with him on Saturdays. But not this guy. He was born and raised in Israel and his views were very singular. In fact, he made it very clear to me early on that he would NEVER step foot in a church. Over the last year, I found myself not posting anything that mentioned Jesus on my personal social media pages because I was worried about what he would think if he saw them. I even stopped reading my daily devotionals on the mornings I woke up at his house because I didn’t want him to see me reading my Bible app. BUT, I’m not about to sit here and put all that on him. He NEVER once said I couldn’t do these things or that he wouldn’t be with me if I did. I allowed myself to read into some of his actions or statements and perpetuated that into my own actions and beliefs. All because what he was doing or saying reminded me of not-so-great moments with someone in my past. Someone that was an atheist and constantly belittled me and my religious beliefs to the point of unbearable fights. So, I guess I had some PTSD come about, and that created this insecurity in me that caused me to shut down out of fear of causing issues or of losing him over religious differences. In addition to all of that, I’ve even found myself getting nervous every time I write a blog post that even remotely discusses my faith or belief in Christ/God. I also second guess myself before posting anything on my professional social pages, afraid of who I may offend. Often asking myself if I will lose followers or readers because my beliefs don’t align with theirs? Years ago, there was a school shooting in the U.S., and a survivor reported that a couple of the victims were asked at gun point if they believed in Jesus Christ. Without hesitation, they said yes. They were then shot and killed for that. These kids didn’t question their faith. They didn’t waiver when their lives were on the line. They owned their love for their Savior at all costs. At the greatest cost. But here I am, a grown woman, and I cower and waiver because I don’t want conflict in my life anymore. Because I’m scared of losing what I often end up losing in the end anyways. I’ve spent a lot of time this last month sitting back and analyzing my actions over the last year+ regarding my faith, and I was left questioning if perhaps my life could also have been shaken up because I allowed the rooster to crow 3 times**, and maybe this was all just another HUGE sign from God that things had to change before it was too late.
So yes, I definitely think God took me and my right to choose out of the equation and shook my life up like an earthquake this past month because I wasn’t doing anything myself to change all the things that needed changing. This includes changes within me as well. I was complaisant. I knew personal and professional things going on that shouldn’t have been, and yet I still stayed and turned a blind eye. I chose to keep on and to even fight for what I loved and wanted. I allowed the lies to become truths, because that’s what I wanted to believe. If I fought the lies or unwanted behaviors surrounding me, then I would lose what I loved and knew, and I didn’t want to lose what was comfortable. What was my “home” and a major parts of my life. I didn’t want to start over again with any aspect of my life. I have fought so hard to get to where I am today. So naturally, I would be scared to make any leaps in life and risk losing anything I worked for or fought for. But God said I had to. He said if I wasn’t going to see people for who they were and do what was best for me, then he was going to leave me no choice but to walk away from everything that was no longer serving me. He took everything that was comfortable to me and turned it into the most uncomfortable of situations for me. He made me step back and see that change was good and was long overdue. That my value was not being appreciated by so many in my life and that it was time that I started seeing the value in myself. He said that I needed to take what I thought I was worth, multiply it by ten and add interest!! That’s what I’ve done.
So what has to change? What has changed? What is going to change? Was any of this a true sign from God? Are there any real signs, or do we just see what we want to see? I honestly don’t have solid answers (yet) to any of these questions. I wish God would speak to me like scripture states he did for so many, or as so many people testify how he has spoken to them. I keep waiting, but it doesn’t seem to happen. So maybe that’s why I seek these “signs”. Maybe it is all just things I want to see and believe because I’m desperate for answers and healing. But without belief and faith, what is left? This is coming from someone that has written many times on this site about losing faith and being angry with God. Clearly change is exactly what I needed, and exactly what God wants for me in all aspects of this life. I think I am finally on the right track. These last few weeks, I’ve continued to allow myself to feel the raw and sometimes unbearable emotions that overcome me more often than not, and have not sought distractions or band aids to cover it up. I’ve continued to pray endlessly and ask God on repeat for answers and guidance, as well as healing and comfort. Since all this change started with me and within me over the last month, I’ve now sat in church on three occasions with tears welling up in my eyes and am happy to say that my family has finally found a new church home. Hence where the mysterious falling card originated from. I’ve also started my new job and am excited again about going to work each day and what I have to offer there. Not to mention that I am now making more money. I’ve also already been seeing changes in me and around me. Things that I’ve been praying for, have started to come to light. God is blessing me for letting go and allowing Him to guide me. For finally being faithful and trusting in Him. I still find myself occasionally praying for a change of heart and/or miracle when it comes to my ex, and not because I am naive. I know what he did to me was unforgivable. But regardless of the hurt he caused, I still miss him and our bond more than one could imagine. I miss his kids and our dog, and all of our adventures the last two years. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wish that things would have been different. But more than anything, I just want to be able to whole heartedly forgive him and everyone that I feel betrayed by. I just want to be able to move on and stop replaying the scenarios and the wrong doings in my mind. I also want certain people to forgive me and my actions recently. I didn’t handle some things well. I want to officially move forward with resolve, and to accomplish whatever my purpose is here on earth. To do what is going to make ME happy for once. I know that God has plans for me, and even for all of them***. Someday, maybe even very soon, when the “whys” are all answered and the plans are revealed, things will all be different. As my ex liked to say, “never say never”. So, at this point, I’m not going to say never again about anything anymore. I will trust God and what He has planned for the future. I’m going to try to not look at any of this anymore from a negative perspective or dwell on what I’ve lost. From here forward, it is about what I have learned and the lessons I have gained. It is about the power of positivity, power of prayer, and always seeking God’s direction for our lives first and foremost. Change is good. Change is necessary. Change brings new opportunities, and change brings new connections. Change is a blessing!
**Matthew 26:34 (NIV): “Truly I tell you,” Jesus answered, “this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.” (and continued at Matthew 23:69-75)
***Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV): “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.
*John 15:2 (NIV): “He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.”
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