Oh The Horror….

When I first hopped onto the online dating scene many moons ago, my profile must have seemed like a short novel. I included every detail about me, and even outlined what I was looking for and what I didn’t want. Yet somehow, that never seemed to sink in with 99 % of the guys that matched or messaged me. Late last year I gave it one last try and went on again, thinking I’d give it one last try. This time, I kept the profile minimal, but they still didn’t read a thing there. Me and online dating have since broken up.

If you have ever been out in the dating pool, you probably have some great horror stories about first dates or unsuccessful short term relationships. Probably even ones that stemmed from online dating. Maybe even one about the GQ wannabe that walked into an ice cream shop with a bouquet of flowers and told you that he was going to be your forever…then turned out to be an enormous dud. I thought this week I would lighten the mood and discuss some of my worst encounters, so we could all have a good laugh. I’d love to hear about your horror stories, funny stories, and everything in between. Please feel free to leave your stories in the comments below.

My first horror story gores back to when I first started dating again after my divorce. I was excited to get out there and meet new people. I was talking to this guy that seemed great on paper, and his texts were actually interesting conversation. I agreed to meet him for a drink one evening and when I showed up to the restaurant, I looked around and located him at the bar. He wasn’t exactly as pictured, but not terrible looking. As I got closer to the bar, he began to get up from his bar stool to greet me and as he stepped down from the stool, there he was standing at shoulder height to me. Nothing against short people…I am by no means tall. I am 5′ 3″ on a good hair day. I was wearing flats that night, but couldn’t help but think what if I had been wearing my heels or wedges like normal. Despite my profile stating that I preferred guys 5′ 9″ or taller, and the fact that he wasn’t quite as pictured, I decided to be polite and stay for one drink. After all, he could’ve been a really great guy. I should have left. Not fifteen minutes into the conversation, he was criticizing me for having guys as friends and telling me that if I was his girlfriend, I’d be home by a certain time every night and would basically be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Needless to say, I politely finished that one drink and excused myself for the evening…never speaking to this guy again. Did he not realize I could punt him for a field goal? Yet, here he was telling me how it was going to be. As if.

There was this guy that was hitting me up hard on a dating ap. Looked fairly attractive in his picture and portrayed that he had his life together. I agreed to the one drink interview meeting, and I let him know I was just leaving the office and could meet then. He advised where he could get to in that time frame and I headed there. When he arrived, he was wearing slides with socks, grungy gym shorts and t-shirt that had probably bee4n balled up in the corner of his room since 8th grade. I did mention that I clearly told him I was just leaving the office, right? One one would think that would have given him the notion that I’d be arriving dressed to impress…to which he should’ve reciprocated. But no. I was also faced with another situation where the person didn’t look like the picture again. As I sipped my drink, I tried to engage in conversation. However, talking to him was like pulling teeth. I’m usually the shy one at first, yet here I was pulling questions out of the air, just to keep from watching the TV’s around the bar instead. When he did talk, there was nothing intriguing said, and anything he did say, just negated the put together persona he led on about himself in text. The server came by and asked if we wanted to order food, to which I immediately declined and said I wasn’t hungry. We ordered two rounds total, but truly should have stopped at the one. When the server brought the check, he didn’t even reach for it. He waited for me to pay it. After all that, he walked me to my car and asked if he could see me again. I didn’t want to be mean, so I just told him “lets see how it goes”. It didn’t go anywhere!

I was texting with this super buff looking guy. Total gym rat. He was attractive, had a great job, lived in a good area of town, kids were nearly grown…was checking the boxes off nicely. Until he wasn’t. On our first and only date, he showed up looking like he should have been riding with Tim Allen and John Travolta in Old Dogs. Leather jacket and all. His picture had to be from ten years ago, or if not, then I really need to get whatever filter he’s using. As we drank our cocktail and perused the menu, he told me all about his ex wife and teenage kids. Including his daughter that has her boyfriend living in the ex’s house. He further disclosed how he still goes over and cooks them all family dinner and hangs out. Ok, familial connection and co-parenting is awesome, but where do you draw the line? Just wait…I’ll tell you. He added that the ex’s new boyfriend was basically a loser, so he still helps her out since the boyfriend is on drugs and doesn’t work. He even went on to tell me all about the other women he had dated and places he had taken them out to by where he lived. Places he felt that we could try some time. I decided I didn’t I no longer wanted dinner. The ghost text suddenly came in and I had to excuse myself to go home to the non-existent urgent matter that was needing my attention there. My gut was right about his situation too. When I got back on the app a little later that night and saw that the distance between us hadn’t really changed on the map, I knew that he left the restaurant and went right to his ex wife’s house, which was nearby. Not to his house, which was about 30 miles in the opposite direction. Cut the strings buddy!

Ahh the baby boys as my friends and I call them. These are the ones that slip through the age settings on the dating apps and you end up talking to them, not realizing that they could either date you or you 23 year old daughter. I’ve gone out with a couple despite the age factor, and actually had a great time. They are usually on the immature side, but can be a lot of fun to hit the town with. I mention these lads because these are the ones that crack me up the most. These guys are the ones that get so clingy. For instance, I went out with a really cute 32 year old when I went back online late last year, and thought “what the hell?”. He drove a nice car, lived at the beach in a nice condo, and seemed to have it together. Doing better than most 40-somethings I know. But after the first and only date, he continued to text asking when he could see me again. I know, not a bad problem to have. But I wasn’t interested like that. I did elect to hang out with him again once, but that only made it worse. I still get random texts to this day asking if he can see me again.

So these are just a few of my highlights. What are yours?

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