It’s no secret that I’ve been going through it lately. I haven’t been finding answers I need, and have been sliding backwards in all the self-growth that I had accomplished the last year and a half or so. I decided that maybe I needed to go back and read my own words and find some inspiration within myself again. So, I decided to look back through my book (1313 Magnolia Way) and embrace moments where there was strength and perseverance in my life. I found several things that I think would be worth talking about, and will touch on each of those things in my upcoming posts. But today, I want to talk about a section in Chapter 10. This chapter discusses finding my purpose and meaning in my life. I also discuss healing and learning to forgive, and even forgetting. But one thing that really resinated with me again, was the part about regrets. Here is what I had to say:
“Regrets. We all have them. But do you truly regret the choices you have made? The number of times I’ve used the word regret is crazy. All the times I’ve told a guy in a break-up that I regretted ever knowing them, or regretted going somewhere, or doing something. Do I really regret the things that made me who I am today? The truth is, I don’t. I do not regret the bad times in my life, for without them, I wouldn’t have experienced some of the most amazing times in my life thus far. Had I not met James, J.C., or Josh, I wouldn’t have any of my amazing kids. Had I not met Geiger, I would not have been forced to find my self-worth and truly accept that I cannot change people. The only real regret I have, is that I didn’t appreciate the good times more and I didn’t allow myself and my happiness to shine through the bullshit. One of the best things I ever read, mentioned not mourning our past, because at one time we got everything we ever asked for. The truth in that is profound. How many times did I pray to God to keep bringing Josh home from the streets? How many times did I beg God to bring Geiger back to me? Too many. And God listened. I got what I wanted, even when it wasn’t best for me. How can I regret those choices, when it was exactly what I asked for?”
Reading that again, I realized that I am getting emotionally down for this or that, and I am falling into that place again where I’m getting so hurt or pissed that I mumble the word regret more often than I should. Even finding myself having resentment towards certain people. But, why? Sure, I’ve been hurt again recently and feel like I could really do without God allowing any more hurt in my life. I’ve even had a few arguments with God recently because I feel like the hurt could have been avoided if he would have just not brought certain people and things in to my life at all. People that I didn’t specifically pray for…so why did He allow them to enter my life if it wasn’t going to bring joy in the end. I mean, if he is the Almighty and knows our future before we ever do, then why not cut me some slack and change it. Why couldn’t he look upon me and say, she has had more than her fair share of hurt and disappointment in this lifetime, so maybe this thing or that person need not be introduced in her life. That would’ve been awesome. Sure, I know there’s a rhyme and reason for everything, but I would really just like to know He had my back like that. Because when I’m hurting, I question that…and I know I shouldn’t. I also know, that it isn’t all about what joy things or people being me/us in the end too. It’s about the ride and all the joy we can have along the way. Because everything eventually comes to an end. Needless to say, it has really been a roller coaster of emotions and constant battle within me on my relationship with God lately.
But, as I stated above and in my book, I got just what I asked for at one time or another. I may not have asked for these specific people or things to come into my life, but they were introduced in my life all the same, and then at some point, I prayed and begged God for them to stay. Even when I knew deep down that it may not be right for me. God heard my prayers and cries and he gave me what I wanted in one way or another. So how can I now be upset? How can I regret any of it? It not working out how I had hoped, is another story. It may not have been my fault, or maybe it was. Either way, I got to experience it just as I had wanted. God gave me what I wanted and showed me whatever I needed to learn from the experience. And, at the end of the day, it is up to me on what I do with that lesson. Do I wallow in it or do I grow from it? I sure as hell can’t regret it.
I guess the moral of the story is that this life is going to keep happening for us…until it doesn’t. God has a plan and we are not in the driver’s seat. But God does hear our prayers and he does answer them in his own time, and in his own way. What we do with that is up to us. We cannot have regrets when it doesn’t go how we imagined. Or when we don’t do with the blessing as we should’ve and he takes it back. We only have one life to live and life isn’t going to wait on us to stop wallowing and finally get up and live it. Be grateful for what we have and embrace it. Embrace change and embrace the moments when you realize that was God doing something in your life. Probably something you asked for, so don’t have regrets. Instead, thank God for the lesson and the journey.
“Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have. ` John Piper”