Dear Diary…WTF?

The last six months have been pretty stressful, to say the least. It has really played it’s toll on me emotionally and physically. I haven’t had much of a drive to do anything, and I have been combatting days of non-stop tears. I haven’t even felt much like writing lately…hence why there have been only a few posts recently. I come up with all these things that I want or need to get done, but when I actually have the time, I find that I’d rather lay in bed or on the couch and just watch TV. From experience, I can tell you that my doctor or therapist would advise that I’m going through yet another bout of depression and anxiety. I probably am, but it feels like more than that this time. I hate feeling this way. I hate being so overpowered by emotion, that I would rather lay in bed than be out doing anything. Which is the worst thing for me, as it leaves me alone with my own thoughts. Usually, I can pull myself out of it by forcing myself to go do some retail therapy or meet a friend for drinks, but not this time for some reason.

When I talk to friends about it, they say that my body just needs the rest and that it’s ok that I just lay around and do nothing. But that’s not it at all. I mean, yes, I am beyond exhausted…mentally and physically, but I don’t think that’s why I have no desire to be out there living life. I don’t even get why I am feeling this way. Sure, my house recently flooded and the insurance company is taking their sweet time to do anything about the hundred thousand dollars in repairs that are needed. Plus, work is slow, I still have few answers about my heart and breathing issues, and to make matters worse, a nodule they found in my throat several years ago has tripled in size and now requires another biopsy to ensure it is still benign. But let’s top all that off with some idiot rear ending me at a red light and crushing my car and me in what became a multiple car pile up. But what’s to stress about?

It took me well over a month after the house flooded, to actually breakdown even just a little bit. Even then, I think I was just having a hormonal day, because I literally cried all day about EVERYTHING. Then everything else came on and it’s just been an avalanche of emotions ever since. One day I’m good and feeling positive, and the next day I am crying and on edge. A lot of it is frustration, but there’s also the stress and anxiety from having to figure out the finances of putting it all back together, and definitely depression with feelings like I just can’t win.

Do you ever have days like that? Where no matter what you do, you just can’t pull yourself out of the funk you’re in? Sometimes you just have no idea what’s even causing it, but it’s there and it’s real. It’s ok to feel that way. Your feelings are real and worth validating. I wish I could give everyone some solid advice or words of wisdom, but today, I’m writing just to vent. Just to release what’s on my mind and hope I feel better for it. Sometimes that’s all it takes…talking about it and letting it go out into the universe.

I just don’t get it though. Why me? Why now? Why all at once? I do everything I can for others. I raise my kids as I’m supposed to. I’m faithful to God. I don’t cheat. I don’t tear people down behind their backs, and I try to send positivity out into the world every chance I get. So, why me? And, why don’t I feel strong enough to handle all this right now? Why am I second guessing everything, including myself. I know that the right thing to do is to focus on what’s going good and what’s right in life. Focus on staying positive and sending out positive energy only. But it’s hard. I have a sign on my bedroom wall that says Pray More Worry Less, and that’s solid advice that I try to follow daily, but damn it’s hard. Why is there never a reprieve? What is God working on in my life that I need all this at once to learn from?

Of course, all we truly see of each other is what we allow to be seen, so I wonder, is everyone’s lives as complicated as mine and I’m just not seeing it? Why won’t this wave of emotion pass? Why can’t I get out of my own head and past it all? All I really want to do is run from it. Just get on a plane or ship and go away for a while. Meet new people and forget this part of my life…even if only temporarily. But I know that’s not the answer either. Problems will still be waiting when I get back. So what now? Do I just allow the emotions to play their course? Do I just cry and pray often and allow it to work it’s way out? Do I just continue to trust God and his plan while I feel abandoned and alone in it all? As hard of a pill as it is to swallow, the answer is yes. Yes to all of the above. So, I’ll leave this here for all to read, and if you’re feeling the same as me or going through difficult things too…know you’re not alone in it. We are fighters, and that which doesn’t kill us, only makes us stronger.


One response to “Dear Diary…WTF?”

  1. I know how you feel, I have been going to Zumba , because everyone tells me I need to get out of the house and do things. They say it will help me not feel so depressed, but I have been doing Zumba and almost burst out crying in the class. I didn’t but I felt like it. I have just had to not base my life on how I feel but just keep moving on and it does help. We will over come this one day. Praying for you and your family.

    Liked by 1 person

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