They say there’s someone out there for each of us. But, is there? Today was one of those days when everything was going fine and everyone (including me) was in a good mood. We spent the afternoon finalizing details for my daughter’s wedding, and how can you not be happy making wedding plans, right? Except when you’re constantly plagued with loneliness and never seeing your own happy ever after in sight. I finally hit that moment when I crashed emotionally and no one in reach was up for going out and helping keep my spirits up. When this happens, and it does often, I retreat to my room to lay in bed and sob silently over the “why me?” and “why not me?” questions that I repeatedly annoy God with. Questions like…why was I given two failed marriages with the absolute worst choices for husbands? Why is it that every time I start really liking a guy, does it have to come to a crashing holt? Why is it that I end up empty and alone after my relationships, and they all seem to go on to get their happy ever after? Or, why can’t I just be happy being alone? I hate when this happens because it makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I feel like I should always be living life with the who needs a man attitude. Yet I’m over here raising my hand saying me, I need a man.
I would absolutely love to have “the one” to come home to every day and cuddle with as I vent about my day. I’d love to have a permanent “date” for everything I’d like to go do. To not have to text around to see who is free and wants to go out. Someone that can see I’m spiraling in a bad mood and pull me out of it with their humor or rationalization skills. Someone that texts me about making plans, instead of me chasing them. However, what I find instead are guys that tell you everything you want to hear in hopes of reeling you in for a while and then they drop the “lets just be friends with benefits” suggestion on you. But they’re slick about it. They don’t just come out and say it. Instead, the dating fades after a few weeks or months, and then they’ve apparently got time and energy to go out with their friends; but, when you ask to go out…it’s always “why don’t you just come over and hang out at the house and cuddle while we watch tv and order in?” Or they call you and ask you to come “chill”. As great as that is (if they were actually interested in YOU), it’s just code for a booty call. If he doesn’t have time to spend with you out of the house, then he’s not actually interested in YOU. And please don’t fall for the “let’s just be friends and see where it leads, because the best relationships start with a great friendship” B.S. either. If he really meant that, he wouldn’t be trying to sleep with you too. I’m coming at this from a woman’s perspective, but trust me…women pull this with guys too. So guys, unless that’s your end game too, don’t fall for it either. Because you ain’t ever coming off that friend bench if you do.
Then there’s the question on why do I keep recycling my past. This is what happens when you peruse your friends list on Facebook or contacts in your phone, in order to find someone to go grab a drink and catch up with. In other words, you and/or they are just lonely and looking for a space filler. By the end of that date, you’re left remembering why it never went anywhere with them and they’re likely just hoping for a no strings attached score. None of which helps the loneliness in the end. In fact it just makes it worse.
Just yesterday I was swearing to my friends that I knew who I wanted to be with. Who I hoped would finally realize they felt the same about me and would do something about it once and for all. Yet here I am and there they still are. Still keeping the status quo. So where is this great someone that’s out there for me? Do I need to break out the bat symbol and announce I’m right here impatiently waiting? Seriously…what do I have to do? What is God waiting on? I’m probably already halfway through my life and feeling like it’s just not in the cards for me. Maybe I was just put on this earth to love and help all those that needed me, so they could move on to be better men for their meant to be’s. I mean, we all have a purpose in life and our plan is rarely ever God’s plan. So is this HIS for me? It’s fine if it is, but I just wish it wouldn’t hurt so much when it’s over and during the in between. Just make the first date the interview and let me determine what their issues are. Then I’ll go home, write out a “business plan”, and allot the necessary time in my schedule/life that will be needed to fix them, and then send them on their way when the task is complete. That would be so much easier than getting myself emotionally attached to someone that was never meant to stay.
The truth is though…I’m a hopeless romantic. Underneath all my cynicism and pessimism, I truly believe there is someone out there for all of us. They may not be anything like what I’ve been searching for, but they are exactly who God wants me to be with and on God’s timeline. Not perfect, but perfect for me. “The one” is out there making his way through all the wrong ones so he can appreciate me and all I have to offer. Just as I’ve been learning from all the wrong ones, what I truly deserve. That day will come when I get the hot air balloon proposal over Napa Valley and secluded private wedding in the mountains with just a couple friends as witnesses, and a big party to follow. It will happen for all of us. I just have to get out of my own head and keep trusting God, and know that his plan is greater than just me.